Austin v Pewtershmidt
by 17pkokorotsis
Summary: Carter Pewtershmidt pisses off Stone Cold Steve Austin. He should've known better.


It's just an ordinary day in Quhog, Rhode Island. Peter Griffin is sitting on the couch watching tv when his wife Lois walks in holding their toddler son Stewie.

Lois: Peter, my father wants to talk to you on the phone.

Peter (whining): Fine.

Peter gets the phone and answers.

Peter: Hello, Carter.

Carter: Hello, Griffin. I need you to call people for my big party Im throwing tommarow night. This party is huge; so Im inviting you and your family and you are in charge of sending invitations. My secretary can't do it because her son fell into the tiger exhibit at the zoo. Excuses.

Peter: Who should I invite?

Carter: As long as they are white and rich, bye.

Peter: Now who should I invite?

Later, Peter is watching Monday Night Raw.

Vince Mcmahon: John Luarititis… **Your** … **Fired**!

Peter: Thats it!

Peter then writes a letter to Vince Mcmahon.

At Carter's party the next night, The Griffins are just hanging out while Carter Pewtershmidt is having a conservation with Vince Mcmahon. Brian, the Griffins' talking dog, tells Peter…

Brian: Peter, I can't believe you invited Vince Mcmahon. He is only one of the greatest business owners who ever lived.

Peter: Yeah, Carter said only to invite people who are white and rich. He's both.

Brian: Well it seem's that they are just getting along.

Vince Mcmahon: ...and thats how I got Shawn Micheals to kiss my ass.

Carter: Wow, maybe I should make my employees do that when they try to mess with me.

Vince Mcmahon: You should. It's really enjoyable. And if that doesn't work, you make their life hell untill you break their spirit.

Carter: I already do that!

Vince and Carter die laughing and they continue on untill they are interrupted by the sound of broken glass.

Vince Mcmahon (scared): Oh no! He's here!

Carter (confused): Who's here?

All of a sudden, the front door of Carter's mansion gets kicked wide open and standing at the opening is Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold: How'de, Vince. It's time for payback, and you know what they say about payback…

Brian: Peter, you invited Stone Cold Steve Austin too?

Peter: Yeah, otherwise it was going to be boring. Plus, he also might have beer.

Brian face-palms himself.

Stone Cold Steve Austin approaches where Vince Mcmahon and Carter were standing.

Stone Cold Steve Austin: So, you thought you could catch a break from Stone Cold Steve Austin? Eh-eh, you thought wrong, ya silly bastard.

Carter has had enough of this inconvience and get's in Stone Cold Steve Austin's face.

Carter: Now listen here, you bald, beer swelling redneck! You leave my friend alone and get the hell out my mansion!

Stone Cold: Who the hell are you?

Carter: Im Carter Pewtershmidt, damn it, the host of this party and I demand that you get your drunk ass out my house!

Stone Cold: Oh really? Is that supposed to impress me? Well frankly I don't give a damn. How about instead of me leaving how about I just do this. (Austin flips off Carter, Carter get's even more agrivated.)

Stone Cold: Now scram, jackass, or else Im going to stomp a mudhole in both your's and your new friend's asses and walk both of them dry.

Carter: Your bluffing.

Stone Cold: If you want to see Stone Cold Steve Austin open up a can of whoop-ass on both Vince Mcmahon and Carter Pewtershmidt, give me a hell yeah!

Peter, Chris, and Stewie: Hell yeah!

Lois: Peter!

Peter: What? It's just the WWE fan in me.

Carter: If you think you can just walk into my home and intimidate me…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I was saying…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I said…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: If you'll just…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: Stop that.

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I said…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: Shut up!

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I said…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: I…

Stone Cold: What?

Carter: Stop it!

Carter then shoves Stone Cold. Stone Cold retailiates by doing the Lou Thez Press on Carter and punches him in the face several times. Stone Cold then gets off of Carter and sets him up for the Stone Cold Stunner. When Carter gets up and faces Austin, Stone Cold flips him off and gives him the stunner. It causes Carter fly backward across the room and crashes through a window.

Stewie: Wow, I guess people don't really oversell that move.

Stone Cold Steve Austin then turns his attention to Vince Mcmahon.

Stone Cold: Your next, ya piece of trash!

Stone Cold then chases after Vince Mcmahon and stomps a mudhole into him and walks him dry. Shortly after, the police show up and arrest Stone Cold Steve Austin. As he is forced into the police car, he yells out to Carter...

Stone Cold: I an't through with you Carter! Not by a long shot! Im going to whoop your ass and your daughter's family's asses!

Stone Cold gets into the backseat and the cop car drives off.

Lois: Oh no! What are we going to do?

Peter: Mr. Mcmahon, can you help us?

Vince Mcmahon: Ha! Your on your own! Thanks to Carter and your family, Im finally free from Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Carter: Please Vince, you have to help me… I mean, us.

Vince Mcmahon: Are you kidding? There is no way I want "Austin 3:16" back in my life. So "Mcmahon 3:16" says there is no chance in hell that's going to happen! Im free! Im free!

Vince Mcmahon then runs to his limo, gets in, and the limo drives off.

Stewie: D.T.A., people. Don't trust anybody.

The next day at the Griffin's home, Carter is sitting at the Griffin's kitchen table while Lois is making him tea. Carter is still livid from last night

Carter: I can't believe some drunk red-neck humiliated me in my own home! Who the hell does he think he is?!

Lois: Daddy, relax. Austin is probably still in jail and if he isn't, he probably got over the fact that you got him arrested.

Carter: Good, because if he ever messed with me again, I'll make Hell look like sunday school.

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings.

Lois: Peter, can you get the door?

Peter: Do I get a cookie if I do?

Lois: Fine.

Peter: Yay!

Peter gets up from the coach and opens the door. On the other side, he sees what he thinks is a delivery man, but really it is Stone Cold Steve Austin wearing a bad disguise.

Stone Cold: Package for Carter Pewtershmidt.

Stewie is also in the living room and unlike Peter, he does know it's really Stone Cold Steve Austin in a disguise and he tries to warn Peter.

Stewie: Fat man! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin!

But since Stewie is a toddler, no one, except Brian, can understand what he's saying.

So Peter grabs the package.

Peter: Hey! Haven't I seen you before?

Stewie: Yes you have! It's Stone Cold Steve Austin, you imbisale!

Stone Cold: No, can't say ya have.

Peter: I could have sworn you look familier.

Stewie: What the deuce? How many times do I have to say it? It's Stone Cold Steve bloody Austin!

Peter: Oh well. Thanks for the package.

Stone Cold: Have a nice day. (leaves)

Peter: What a nice guy.

Peter walks into the kitchen to give Carter the package. There is a strange rattling is coming from inside the package.

Stewie: I got a bad feeling about this.

Peter: Carter, there was a package for you delivered here. (gives Carter the package)

When Carter opens up the package, a rattlesnake, which was in the package, strikes at Carter and bites him in the face. Later, in the hospital, Carter is being treated while Lois and Peter are having a conservation with the doctor, who is really Stone Cold Steve Austin in disguise.

Lois: Doctor, is my father going to be ok?

Stone Cold: Oh, I'll take care of him, miss. (taking off his cap and mask and revealing himself)

Carter: Oh no!

Stone Cold Steve Austin then jumps on top of Carter and rapidly punches him in the face.

Stone Cold: Yeah, that feel good?! Huh?! How about here?! (hits Carter in his groin)

Carter: OW!

Stone Cold then grabs a bedpan and hits Carter in the head with it.

Carter: OW!

Stone Cold than grabs the defibrillator paddles.

Stone Cold: Clear! (Shocks Carter)

Stone Cold then turns Carter over on his stomach and grabs the IV neddle.

Stone Cold: This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me.

Carter: Oh please no!

Stone Cold: You want mercy, Carter? Take your ass to church! (shoves the IV needle up Carter's ass)

Carter: OW!

Stone Cold: Ya piece of trash!

The next day, Carter checks out of the hospital. When he exsits the hospital, he is shocked to see Stone Cold Steve Austin holding a fire hose that is attached to a beer truck.

Stone Cold: Hey Carter. Have a cold one. (turns on the hose)

The hose sprays beer at Carter and the force is strong enough to knock him over. Carter ends up soaked. Stone Cold turns off the hose, gets into the beer truck, flips Carter off, and drives away.

The next day, Peter is at the Grocery store because Lois ask him to pick up a few things when he hears a voice come from the intercome.

Voice: Man needing a can of whoop-ass on asile 2. That's asile 2.

Peter (worried): Oh no! I better get the hell out of here!

Peter tries to make a run for it, but he bumps into Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Stone Cold: Where ya think your going, ya piece of trash!

Stone Cold then punches Peter in the face and knocks him to the ground. Peter tries to get up and run away, but Stone Cold starts stomping a mudhole into him and walks him dry. He then hits Peter with fruits, vegtables, and eggs. He then sprays Peter with ketchup and mustard. Stone Cold stomps on Peter a little more and then he puts him into a shopping cart and pushes him, punching him along the way. He then hits Peter with frozen meat, fish, and pizzas.

Stone Cold: I love shopping, Peter!

Stone Cold then tears open a lemon and puts both ends into Peter's eyes.

Peter: Ahhh!

Stone Cold than grabs a bottle of hot sause and forces Peter to drink it.

Stone Cold: Down the hatch!

Peter: Ahhh!

Stone Cold then opens up a can of beer, drinks some of it, and pores the rest in Peter's face.

Stone Cold: This will cool you off.

Stone Cold continues pushing Peter, punching him and using food as weapons along the way untill they get to checkout.

Stone Cold: Price check on a jackass!

Stone Cold then gets Peter into the parking lot and forces him into the passanger seat of his black pick-up truck. Austin then gets into his truck and drives off. As he is driving, Stone Cold continues to punch and stomp Peter. When he finally stops at the Griffin home, Stone Cold kicks Peter out his truck and drives off. Lois, Brian, and the kids go outside to see what happaned as the giant chicken walks by.

Giant Chicken: I didn't do this. (walks off)

Lois: Oh my god, Peter!

Lois, Brian, and the kids help Peter into the house and lay him on the couch.

Lois: Peter, what happened?

Peter: Austin did this to me.

Lois: Oh my god! He wasn't kidding!

Stewie: I knew it was a bad idea to send the fat man to grocery store.

Brian: And yet, you didn't mention it.

Stewie: Because no one ever believes the little kid, Brian!

The next day, Lois, Chris, and Meg come back from shopping while Peter is upstairs, still sore from getting beaten up. When Meg get's through the front door, she steps onto a bear trap and screams in pain.

Peter (shouting from upstairs): Shut up, Meg!

Lois: Oh my god, Meg! Chris, go into the garage and get a crow bar.

Chris runs into the garage but he steps onto a rope trap and gets hung up. Lois goes to get the phone but then, a piece of the ceiling falls off and lands on her.

Lois: Thats it!

A couple minutes later, Joe and several police officers appear at the front of the house.

Joe (speaking to Lois): Don't worry, Lois. Just like every celeberty, he will put up a fight and eventually lose.

Joe and the cops enter the house and they see Stone Cold Steve Austin on the couch.

Joe: Mr. Austin, you are under arrest. Do have anything to say about that?

Stone Cold: Yeah. You can kiss my ass! (punches the nearest cop)

The cop tries to taser him, but Stone Cold grabs the taser and shocks the officer in the groin. He then stuns the cop, which caused the officer's gun to get fired at the officer's foot. He then grabs another cop and tosses him through the wall. Stone Cold then grabs another officer that was about to hit him with his baton and tosses him head-first into the television. He then grabs one of the last officer's pepper spray, sprays him in the face with it, and then tosses the cop through the window. Stone Cold then heads towards Joe, stomps a mudhole into him, raps his legs around his head, and roles him out of the house like a carpet. Stone Cold then heads out of the house.

Lois: Please, don't hurt us anymore.

Stone Cold: Don't worry. I still have some unfinished buisness to take care of.

Lois: Who… Oh right. (remembers her father was the one who pissed off Stone Cold in the first place)

Stone Cold then gets into his pickup truck.

Lois: Please Mr. Austin, don't beat my father up. Sure, he's a horrible human being but…

Stone Cold: If your father thinks he can just screw with Stone Cold Steve Austin and get away with it, well he's dead wrong because Im going to open up a can of whoop ass on him and make him regret he ever pissed off Stone Cold Steve Austin in the first place and that's all I got to say about that! (Austin drives off)

Lois (to everyone): We have to stop him!

Peter: To the Griffinmobile! (His pants fall down, revealing that he is wearing an adult diaper)

Everyone stares at Peter awkwardly.

Peter: What?

Later at Pewtershmidt Industries, Carter is at his desk doing paper work when all of a sudden, Stone Cold kick's his office door down.

Carter (scared): You?!

Stone Cold: Yeah it's me, and Im going to open a can of whoop ass all over you.

Carter: Oh yeah? Watch as I call security, even though I have no idea what you did to get up here. (Carter presses the speaker)

Carter: Hello security, I need you to kick this red-neck out.

There was no answer.

Carter: Hello? I need security-! (Stone Cold smashes Carter's head against the speaker)

Stone Cold then drags Carter out of his office and irish-whips him into a filling cabinit and knocks it over. Carter tries to crawl away, but Austin grabs him and drags him over to the scanner, and puts him into it. Stone Cold rapidily slams the scanner's lid onto Carter's chest.

Peter, Brian, and Lois enter the building where they see a wreckage of security guards. One has been thrown into a windshield, one of them has been thrown into a toll arm, and another one has been hit by the car door of Carter's limousine.

Brian: Oh my god!

Wounded Guard: He went upstairs.

Peter: What did he do to you?

Wounded Gaurd: I rather not talk about it. (crawls away revealing that he had his own baton stuck up his ass)

The trio took an elevator. While they were going up, Stone Cold was brutalizing Carter.

Stone Cold: How about a fax, jackass! (Slams Carter face first into the fax machine)

The impact broke Carter's nose which caused it to bleed rapidly. Stone Cold then grabs a computer and hits Carter over the head with it. Luckily for Carter, Peter, Brian, and Lois arrive and gang up on Stone Cold. Then they, along with Carter, throw him down the stairs.

Peter: Oh hell yeah! Griffin 3:16 says we just threw your ass down the stairs.

All of a sudden, the elevator began to make noise. It's doors open, revealing it to be Stone Cold on a ATV!

Brian: Oh come on! How did you get that thing up here so fast?!

Stone Cold: Im Stone Cold Steve Austin! That's why! (begins chasing them)

Lois: What do we do?

Carter: We can use my private elevator.

Peter: Wait, you have a private elevator?

Carter: Yes, we are running towards it right now. (points towards to a golden elevetor with a big golden "C" on it)

With Stone Cold hot on their trail, they head towards it, but as they enter, Carter selfishly pushed them out of it, but thankfully, karma strikes when Stone Cold jumps from the ATV and tackles Carter in the elevator right before it's doors close shut. Carter tries to press the button that would send him to the closest floor, but Stone Cold pressed the button that would send them to the lobby.

Carter: Oh let there please be calm, tranquil music.

Unfortunaly for Carter, the elvevator starts to play Stone Cold's theme music. Stone Cold cracks his knuckles. Carter screams as Stone Cold opens up a can of whoop ass on him while the elevator went down thirty floors to the lobby. When they got to the lobby, Carter was bleeding from his nose and mouth, his clothing was torn, his entire body was covered in bumps and bruises, and he had two black eyes. Stone Cold stands over Carter's beaten body.

Stone Cold: Don't worry, Im finished with ya. Now read your bible, read some psalms, and read John 3:16 because Austin 3:16 says I just whopped your ass! Now don't piss me off again or else Im going to whoop your ass so badly that not even God Himself will regonize you. Now if you will excuse me, I have some unfinished buisness with Vince Mcmahon. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!


End file.
